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18 November 2015 @ 09:58 pm
How much I've changed  
I feel so lost. I returned to this LJ because its a reminder of how much I left behind and how much I have changed.

It feels safe to write here. I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I never even gave my link to J or E.

I think this change started when I stepped into the working world in Singapore and then a year later I moved to Canada. My life in Canada does not have any resemblance to my life in Singapore. And I feel that I have become a shadow and the shell of the person I used to be and the person I was heading to become. I feel like I am a ship that has lost its sense of direction; the steering wheel is broken. Even though I have prayed many times but I feel that my feet is stuck in this sinking quicksand that threatens to swallow me.

I look at the mirror and I see a lost little girl who is afraid, who is insecure. I know on the outside I look like I achieved good things at work, won best employee twice in a row, a confident happy girl, a stable relationship... But it does not take away the empty feeling that gnaws in my heart, that chips a little bit of my heart everyday.

And this is more pronounced after I came back from my Asia trip. I went on a 3 week vacation to HK, Seoul and Macau. And even though I truly don't like HK, maybe its my jet-lagged state or post holiday blues, my mind keeps going back to HK and sometimes Seoul. Seoul, because of him. The person who I hope one day will diminish from even the darkest corner of my mind as time passes. HK, I dream of the crowded streets and loud noises that bustles with a flurry of activity. I dream of the dirty streets and the uncouth people. I dream of the apartment I stayed in. The small little room with the 4 corners surrounding me, the closed up spaces. I dream of stale smells and rotting paint. It is not a pretty city but I miss it.

I love Canada, the mountains and the pace of life. This is my 2nd day back and I took a day off because I felt so ill. I walked about for an hour before the sun sets ridiculously early at 430pm. It was so cold, dark and gloomy. I could walk for 5 minutes and just pass by a single stray soul. It felt lonely. The space, the fresh air, the beautiful trees... but it was so lonely. Maybe it is just the weather. Or maybe it is just me. Maybe I need time to adjust back to the life in Canada.

Maybe its my relationship with him. A person who does not give me security, who does not know how to lead. Who makes me feel insignificant at times. Like today. Like many days. I am tired of this. Tired of him. Tired of me.

What is wrong with me? I am prone to bouts of tears. I try to stop it from rolling down. I need to be strong. I have to be strong.

I switch on FB and it reminds me of this day, 6 years ago, I used to study in the library with Shahid. And that was what brought me here, to this old dusty online journal, where I used to spend time to fill it with words. It reminds me of what I have lost.

I need to look forward. God, please help me.