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Jo chan
18 November 2015 @ 09:58 pm
I feel so lost. I returned to this LJ because its a reminder of how much I left behind and how much I have changed.

It feels safe to write here. I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I never even gave my link to J or E.

I think this change started when I stepped into the working world in Singapore and then a year later I moved to Canada. My life in Canada does not have any resemblance to my life in Singapore. And I feel that I have become a shadow and the shell of the person I used to be and the person I was heading to become. I feel like I am a ship that has lost its sense of direction; the steering wheel is broken. Even though I have prayed many times but I feel that my feet is stuck in this sinking quicksand that threatens to swallow me.

I look at the mirror and I see a lost little girl who is afraid, who is insecure. I know on the outside I look like I achieved good things at work, won best employee twice in a row, a confident happy girl, a stable relationship... But it does not take away the empty feeling that gnaws in my heart, that chips a little bit of my heart everyday.

And this is more pronounced after I came back from my Asia trip. I went on a 3 week vacation to HK, Seoul and Macau. And even though I truly don't like HK, maybe its my jet-lagged state or post holiday blues, my mind keeps going back to HK and sometimes Seoul. Seoul, because of him. The person who I hope one day will diminish from even the darkest corner of my mind as time passes. HK, I dream of the crowded streets and loud noises that bustles with a flurry of activity. I dream of the dirty streets and the uncouth people. I dream of the apartment I stayed in. The small little room with the 4 corners surrounding me, the closed up spaces. I dream of stale smells and rotting paint. It is not a pretty city but I miss it.

I love Canada, the mountains and the pace of life. This is my 2nd day back and I took a day off because I felt so ill. I walked about for an hour before the sun sets ridiculously early at 430pm. It was so cold, dark and gloomy. I could walk for 5 minutes and just pass by a single stray soul. It felt lonely. The space, the fresh air, the beautiful trees... but it was so lonely. Maybe it is just the weather. Or maybe it is just me. Maybe I need time to adjust back to the life in Canada.

Maybe its my relationship with him. A person who does not give me security, who does not know how to lead. Who makes me feel insignificant at times. Like today. Like many days. I am tired of this. Tired of him. Tired of me.

What is wrong with me? I am prone to bouts of tears. I try to stop it from rolling down. I need to be strong. I have to be strong.

I switch on FB and it reminds me of this day, 6 years ago, I used to study in the library with Shahid. And that was what brought me here, to this old dusty online journal, where I used to spend time to fill it with words. It reminds me of what I have lost.

I need to look forward. God, please help me.
Jo chan
23 October 2009 @ 11:28 pm
No matter how much one tries to avoid it, the spark that a new couple shares or the so called honeymoon period will eventually come to an end.

And at the base and underneath it all, one will be confronted of the question: What is love?

Confusion sets in and you think whether you love the person now. Or you loved that person. Perhaps the only reason you are holding on is because of the assured familiarity, just like how a child clings to her blankie because it brings comfort.

People then answer and say that love is about commitment. What does that mean exactly? It sounds airy fairy. So you love someone because you make a conscious choice to commit, you choose to take upon that responsibility. Then, is that love?

This has been on my mind since a really long time ago. Maybe, in the midst of my relationship with E in the past. Yes, after 1 year, that spark did die off,
but I never got that question answered or thought about it too deeply because we ended our 27 months only because of religion.

These thoughts make me cynical about love between a couple and it gnaws at the mind once again now that I'm in a relationship again.

Trust my mind to think of everything in the sun when im doing my work. This semester is my busiest shittiest worst one ever due to the no exams thing.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Get sexy - Sugababes
Jo chan
19 February 2009 @ 11:46 pm
I got this from Victor's blog. He found this website: http://www.sleeptrip.com/belongings/index.html

The main site is this: http://www.sleeptrip.com/

Belongings is just one of her projects. It's really pretty and simplistic. In belongings, each picture you click leads you to a short muse about love and then when you click next, there will will be a 'couple' pairing. Once you click the picture of the couple, there will be a story of love on the different characters.

Two musings (not part of the story) really spoke to me. I think its very apt in describing how I feel. She writes beautifully. She said everything that I myself can't put into words. I was feeling this when I wrote the blog entries: mourning to songs of praises and enlightenment. Whatever I put into words in those entries really puts me to shame when she can accurately describe exactly how I feel.

Only a person who has fallen in love and moved on could have written this.

On a side note, in my honest opinion, I think its quite impossible to fall in love with someone unless you are in a relationship with that person/it was complicated. No matter how much that person claimed he/she was in love... when they're not in that status, I think the person has mistaken his/her feelings. It was probably deep liking. Being with someone is very different from just liking a person. You see the person's weaknesses and strengths in ways he/she will never reveal to another person. You come to know that person at such a deep emotional level n you accept him/her. And you respond to that and the person responds back. The r/s grows. That's love. I just thought about this cuz I remembered when I was 19, a freshman, my senior told me he loved me. He admitted this after he told me he hated me cuz I treated him coldly as i was attached that time. He was also the first and only person who told me he hated me. For someone who was 26 at that time, that was quite immature. Thank goodness after 2 months of cold war, our friendship was back the way it was.

1) There is only one way to really get over someone who you have been in love with, and that is to become another person. This is really the only reason why people fall out of love with each other. The fights, and tantrums, the small and big flaws (she makes that noise when she chews, he has no ambition) are never enough to really make you fall out of love. Feel betrayed, or irritated or angry, yes. But falling out of love requires shift of perspective, and thus, shift of desire. Like looking at an old shirt and thinking, 'God, how could I have ever thought that was cool?" Sometimes we do it together, each person growing and changing till you turn around and look at each other and know that's it, except for nostalgia. Sometimes it happens while you are still together, whether you want it to or not, and it hurts like hell, wishing you were still capable of being that person you used to be, the one who fell in love, the one your lover fell in love with. Sometimes it doesn't happen till a long, long time afterwards, and there is still the three-in-the-morning ache, the in-jokes with their pointed poignancy, the missing.

We are like jigsaw puzzle pieces made out of modeling clay, firm and fixed in our outlines as long as we fit together, variable lumps otherwise. You reshape your edges and become something new, a tab where there used to be a hole, straight where you were once curved, and everything changes.

2) Sometimes things fall apart for what seems to be no reason at all. Not enough attention to detail, or the wrong inflection on a joke and suddenly the closeness is gone. Some part of your nature, lying long dormant, exerts itself, needs to be expressed, cannot be expressed within the confines of your relationship.

It's hard to remember in these moments the perfection of the thing you are leaving behind like an old cocoon, the way you once looked at someone and your heart ached and you thought you would never ever be this happy again, as long as you lived. It's hard to acknowledge both of these realities at once.

I can remember breaking up with him. The feeling one night that I could not bear it, I was going to cry forever, I would never be whole again. All the melodramatic sentiment in the world was suddenly and disgustingly real for me.

And then what?

Of course I stopped crying, of course I could bear it. But was I ever whole again? No, not really, not that me. There were never the same jokes, the same understandings, the same magic. No one would ever fit me exactly the way he had.

So: new jokes, new understandings, new magic. A new boyfriend with whom I discussed the transcendent instead of making fun of it.

The next time we saw each other we were both disappointed. He wasn't who I remembered. And I wasn't who he remembered. How could we be?

There was no us anymore.

Below are 3 that made me think... whether does it reflect myself.

1. Rebound: that's the word for it, but sometimes you pick someone for your rebound that is a little too compatible, and then you are stuck. Your 'fling' turns into a full-blown relationship, and you are in love, all over again, except with all the baggage of not quite being over the last one, and not quite being ready for this new one, and hey, weren't you supposed to spend sometime alone, you know, really getting to know yourself and re-establishing your autonomy so that you wouldn't just make the same mistakes again?

2. We stumble around, make mistakes, hurt each other terribly, and grow older.

3. Some people tell it like you just finally find "the one." And some people say it's just work, you pick someone and they pick you and with a little work and a little luck, it works out. Some people say, "I wasn't ready till now, I had to grow," and some people say, "I was waiting for you my whole life." Romantic love contains within it the idea of knowing, and thus, for some of us, requires a leap of faith. I think you change, and keep changing, all the time. And if you find "the one", it must be that you've changed in some way that has made that possible. You've found someone with whom that particular part of you emerges, the part of you that can imagine one person, forever.

Can you remember all the other people you used to be?

And the author's note at the end:

So what does it all mean in the end? We love each other, and break it and somehow have the courage to start all over again. And every time, it's something entirely new. And every time, you are a completely new person.

We all have our unique connections, the places where each of us overlap, the spaces where desire can take hold, the emptiness where resentment can fester.

And in the end, I am still blown away, by everyone, all their crazy and beautiful love affairs, and the specificity of two people fitting together at all, and the wonder of being able to do it more than once, and in completely new ways.

In the end, we still mean it.

And that's enough, isn't it?

I have 3 assignments due tmr and I'm still here. Typical. LOL
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Jo chan
31 January 2009 @ 12:00 am
Time came to a standstill.

At that moment, everything fitted perfectly.

Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
Jo chan
28 January 2009 @ 11:59 pm
Today, I had a revelation: I'm falling.

I'm afraid cuz the most important question is whether You are pointing me towards this direction.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Jo chan
20 January 2009 @ 10:56 pm
Today, a few months down the road, the first wave of tears hit.

It caught me off guard because I thought I had stopped grieving. Then I realise...I grieved not because of the present nor the future. I stopped doing that a long time ago.

I grieve for the past. I grieve for what is lost... what I lost.

Now I understand why the answer given to me was 'wait'.
Current Mood: listlesslistless
Jo chan
20 January 2009 @ 01:45 am
If only we didn't feel... we wouldn't hurt. Then no one would go have to go through pain and confusion. We also would not have a problem knowing what we want and would hurt less people in the process.

But then, this is what makes us innately human. Our ability to think, feel and make choices. And also the ability to experience happiness, sheer joy, warmth and love. Without encountering sadness, we would not know joy too.

I'm affected by what Victor shared with me tonight. It doesn't concern or affect me but seeing a friend going through this brings sadness to my heart.

Victor's sharing also gave me greater resolve and assurance that I did the right thing in my own situation.

It also scares me.
Current Mood: sadsad
Jo chan
02 January 2009 @ 01:36 am
I am happy. I spent Jan 1st well.

It was an overwhelming day. But I had fun.

Happiness that comes in the form of a simple gaze.
Current Mood: happyhappy
Jo chan
25 December 2008 @ 05:59 pm
Dec 24th is indeed something to mark down. Something that will remain etched in my memory.

I don't know how I found the courage just to ask.

It's certain now. But yet in this certainty, I'm thrown into a pool of overwhelming possibilities. And once again consumed by uncertainty.

On a lighter note, I received my exam results. I did not bad this sem. Actually in my books, I consider it good. God's grace once again upon my life.

The future is uncertain. I'm in need of direction in every aspect of my life...badly.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Jo chan
02 December 2008 @ 05:55 pm
One more exam paper to go. It sucks when my bday falls during exam period.

Ugh no mood to study. This is my most difficult module. The worst for the last. aiyes. No more drive. How how how. haha.
Current Mood: blahblah